The Latest Thing is (or was) a monolithic New York Times or Globe and Mail-type newspaper published during the Old Testament period.

            -- David Elliot

By Melinda Selmys Queen Jezebel, the Sidonian princess who came like a breath of fresh air into the stifling patriarchal structures of Isrealite politics, was brutally murdered yesterday at the bequest of Jehu, reigning champion of the Yawhist right.  Always the lady, Jezebel greeted the approaching conquerer in due attire of state, elegantly coiffed, and addressed him with words of peace. As has already been demonstrated, however, in his dealings with the late King Ahab's sons, Jehu has little interest in peace. It comes as no surprise, then, that the arrogant and cowardly usurper did not even rise to take the Queen's life himself, but left it to her servants – three eunuchs who cast her from her tower window on to the pavement below. In subsequent interviews, the men admitted they felt “intimidated” and expressed remorse for their action. “This bodes ill for those of us who wish to explore the feminine face of the divine,” opined Delilah Astarte, a priestess from one of the local temples. “If Jehu secures the Kingship, we could start to see things get really repressive again.” Jezebel will be best remembered as a woman of poise and power, dedicated to the destruction of the misogynistic Jewish Yaweh cult. Amongst her many achievements are the introduction of sexually liberated, Goddess-centred forms of worship, and the restitution of respect for the ancient feminine art of witchcraft. A self-possessed woman, Jezebel proved that a Queen need not be a meek throne-room trophy adorning the side of her King, and demonstrated that women are capable of breaking through male-dominated power structures to hold a significant sway over national events.  Typically, her detractors claim that she abused her power, employing it towards “petty, purely selfish

ends.” They site the murder of Naboth, and just as they blame Eve for Adam's mistake in the garden, claim that the correspondence incriminating King Ahab in the affair was forged by his wife. Asked to comment, her greatest enemy –Elijah, the self-proclaimed Yahwist prophet – reacted with typical callousness. “As the Lord hath commanded, so it has been done. Has not the Lord God of Isreal foretold: As for Jezebel, dogs will devour her on the plot of ground at Jezreel, and no one will bury her?” Reports that Jezebel's body could not be recovered in recognizable condition have been denied by her supporters. A closed casket ceremony will be held tomorrow at the Temple of Astarte in Jezreel.