Letters from the Devil: From Snodhopper to Leechwort on Stamping out Evangelization Melinda Selmys In the spirit of C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters.  Originally published in Issue XIII of Vulgata, May, 2004.

My most darling Leechwart,

I am almost gratified to see how much of a bungle you've made of your current case. Indeed, were it not for the abominable consequences that might arise from it, I  might enjoy it outright. Of course, my amusement at your discomfiture is somewhat tarnished by the inexcusable fact that your incompetence may expand the terrible radiance of the Enemy's realm not only by one, but by two souls. Have you not read the excellent material I compiled for the college on the subject of evangelization? Admittedly, the texts produced since my dismissal are vastly inferior, but you should be able to get your hands on the older edition – and if you cannot, the slobs who produced the “new” work have really added nothing of consequence, and have shamelessly plagiarized my ideas in an attempt to redeem their otherwise worthless work. It should, in any case, be known to you that all Christians in all ages are to be definitely persuaded against any efforts at proselytism. It is certain proof of your incompetence that in this age, when so much has been done to thwart this great threat to our dominion, that your subject should even entertain the notion that she should try to convert others. Have you failed to persuade her that evangelization is really intolerance? That all religions are really, deep down, the same thing? Have you actually been so blind and sluggardly as to allow her to think that He was serious when He said that He was the only way to His Father?

Well, in any case, if she is going to go about proselytizing, it is obviously an egregious imposition upon the rest of devil-kind – and particularly upon the patron devil of whatever poor sod she's trying to convert – but we must still persevere in the hope that some evil can be made of it. Most usually, this comes in the form of that most savoury and vicious little error that we like to call scandal – indeed, in this we might actually relish the possibility that a human should, in trying to do the enemy's work, send other humans packing down the “wide” (but, alas, too little traveled) highway into this realm.

Obviously this is most enjoyably carried out when there is some genuine, solid meat from which to brew the scandalous broth. If it can be revealed that your little evangelist is actually an habitual fornicator, or an embezzler, or an anti-Semite, then all the better. Humans are always most satisfying when they work themselves into a flurry of pious zealotry over the specks in the eyes of their neighbours, all the while driving those same neighbours away from the Church by their hypocrisies. Unfortunately, as you seem to have been hopelessly remiss in cultivating any of the more spectacular vices in this particular subject, you are going to have to rely upon more insidious devices.

Have you, for example, brought to her attention that it is really very clever of her to be a member of the Enemy's camp? Or that she is particularly astute for having realized, in an era of laxity and complacence, that it is necessary to preach the Gospel? It is a danger, obviously, to allow her any notion of the existence of a spiritual battlefield, but as I begin to suspect that you are already trying to gloss over the actual extent of your imbecilic ineptitude, I must fear that she has already become aware of the situation. If this is the case then you must convince her that she is the great hero of the battle, with Christ as a sort of secret weapon which she can expertly wield. This will cause all of the glory to fall, in her own mind, upon herself, and will likely render innocuous most of the damage that she might otherwise do. Let her think of conversion as conquest, and herself the conqueror – so that as a warrior might drape upon his belt the skulls of his vanquished foes, she might festoon her spiritual resume with the souls of those secured for the enemy by her mighty deeds.

The wonderful thing about such an attitude is that it is simultaneously quite inspiring for the person taken up in it, and yet quite damaging – both because it tramples upon that most reprehensible virtue of humility, and because it is repulsive to those it tries to win. Let her think of all non-Christians merely as potential conquests, as projects instead of as people. This will, quite naturally, secure within her own soul the sense that she is their superior and not their peer, and it will help to prevent her from forming any genuine friendships that might really jeopardize our claim on their souls. Furthermore, it is not particularly difficult to inspire, in one who takes such an attitude, a positive frustration with her “projects” when they don't work out as hoped. You, I'm sure, are quite familiar with this feeling yourself – let her become familiar with it as well. Induce in her the same irritation and even spite towards her wayward “potential converts” as you feel towards her whenever, against your best laid plans, she picks up some “edifying” spiritual book or turns to the Enemy for help instead of succumbing to your temptations. Let her feel that she has made so many sacrifices for the good of their soul that it is simply inexcusable that they should go on living in sin, or that they should fail to come over to the Enemy's camp, or even (if it comes to such a lamentable pass) that they should be baptized into the wrong sect of Christianity. Cause her to perceive this as a personal affront, and allow her frustrations to prod her on to be angry, belligerent, insulting, or simply to give them up altogether as a “hopeless case.” The person thus treated will almost certainly be offended, and may be happily led into the delusion that Christianity is  aggressive and self-righteous, and therefore (by a little irrational sleight of hand) not true.

It is important, also, to keep in mind the tremendous power to be worked in our favour by encouraging your case to be truly sanctimonious. Let her think always of herself as an example of virtue, so that, for example, if called upon to outline and discuss some spiritual problem, she may boast of her own accomplishments in this regard. On the contrary, convince her that it would be the pure scandal if she were actually to admit to her own struggles and failings. Hide from her the realization that she is, herself, most inspired by the successes and strivings of those who have actually had the audacity to persevere in spite of sufferings and set-backs. Let her always think that she will come across as condescending if she admits to suffering from the same potentially embarrassing temptations as her potential convert – and then let her really be condescending when she discusses temptations that she believes herself to have overcome. In the former case, she should give the impression that she is entirely unfamiliar with the problems that her project faces, in the latter she should treat his complaints as simple and childish troubles which he will easily overcome when he is finally as advanced as she is.

This is particularly important when you are dealing with her attitiude towards those vices that she will find it most difficult to keep hidden over a long period. Even a minor vice may, in this way, come to create a satisfying and effective scandal. Is she a little tight with money? Let her talk of charity as though philanthropy came naturally to her, and then let him see her quibble over a couple of dollars owed to her by her mother. Is she inclined towards anger and impatience? Let her talk volumes about the virtue of turning the other cheek, and then have him walk in to find her raging against a house-mate who forgot to take out the garbage. Naturally the same process may be applied to any other vice, with the pleasing result that she will, by her own life, refute all that she has tried to teach of the Enemy's philosophy.

Now it should be noted that the possibilities for scandal are not exhausted in mere hypocrisy. If she can be led not only to act in disaccord with his supposed beliefs, but also to proclaim beliefs that are incredible or excessively difficult for her potential convert to accept. In particular, it is advisable to produce in your subject the idea that her own particular prejudices and preferences carry the weight of dogma. If she believes that the world was created in six literal days, without any kind of evolutionary process, let her proclaim it alongside the gospel – preferably let her claim it to the exclusion of the gospel. If she has a preference for Latin, let her insist that those to whom she preaches must attend only Tridentine Masses (particularly if this is inconvenient, or is an obstacle to their understanding of the faith.) If she believes in a particular private revelation, or insists on a certain translation of the Bible, or subscribes to a distinct theological camp, or even if she espouses a specific theory of art, let her propound her private views as though they were on par with the actual teachings of the Enemy. This is especially satisfying, for obvious reasons, if her personal beliefs are  heretical, or even if they steer a little to the right or left of orthodoxy – but even if they are appallingly innocent little quirks, they can easily be raised to the level of vice, and even scandal, if you can induce her, from pride, to grant them inordinate weight. On the one hand, you may hope to lead her to the point where she is a more a disciple of John Scotus than of Christ, and on the other, you may lead those to whom she speaks to think that Christianity is inextricably bound up with some less compelling or more odious doctrine that is, in fact, delightfully inessential to the Enemy's faith.

    With inexhaustible opprobrium,
    Snodhopper