Leaping Over the Generation Gap Tony Fernandez Originally published in Issue XI of Vulgata, August 2003.  The image is from www.boscoviet.org.  Thanks!

There is nothing more disturbing to young people and more frustrating to mature adults than being unable to communicate with each other.

“My parents don’t want to understand me”, “I am unable to understand why my children act like that”, “I don’t know, I tell them over and over and they don’t seem to get through their head….” and so on and so on. Does it sound familiar?

Undoubtedly, there is a gap in communication. If we really want to overcome it, then we can. We must try.  It is basically an attitude.  It is like learning another language. We have to try learning it. It is not easy and it is hard and tedious work   It has, however, to be motivated by LOVE. True and sincere love, that reaches out, and goes beyond our own self-love and our own pride and private agendas.  It must be a willful act, not a feeling. It must follow the biblical definition of love (I Cor.13: 4ff). It is not a matter of control. It is a matter of willingness to understand and definitely…patience and awareness that we.. alone.. cannot do it without the help of Love(God) itself. Understanding is not “giving in principles”, it is not “buying into the other’s point of view”, although at times it seems like it; it is trying to grasp what the other is really trying to say.

 I am as some people say at the third age of my life. Nevertheless, I , myself, am astonished at the rapport that I am able to maintain with young people, teens in particular. Which, by the way, is acquired skill, because I have made many mistakes on the way and did not have “it” before. It is said that the fool does not learn even from his own mistakes, the smart learns from his mistakes and the wise learns from the mistakes of others. I wish you would be much wiser than me. Thus I am going to share on the positive side some of the aspects that have worked for me in overcoming the generation gap.

There are some aspects that are important to consider in our behaviour.
 

Sincerity: In our efforts to communicate we must always be sincere, it must come from the heart. True sincerity cannot be faked. Sincerity in our actions, in our words and above all in our intentions must be communicated at all times and in all ways. Sincerity demands that we actually put ourselves in the other’s shoes and walk a mile on them and truly say what we feel, even if it means to confess our incapacity to understand or simply to disagree with all respect but non the less accept it as real.

Willingness to listen:  We cannot listen if we are talking and much less telling off, much less if we are trying to argue, or to answer back to their statements. Sometimes we do not understand the meaning of the words they are saying. Or we think we do, in those cases rephrase the statement and ask if that is what they are really saying.  If you are understanding right,… Ask.  Don’t be afraid of asking , don’t  be so proud. We are not perfect. Accept it.  Other times we do not get what they are really trying to say.  In those cases ask for clarification . Sincerely express your confusion.    If we are trying to figure out what we are going to tell them, we cannot be really listening. So, listen first and then  …maybe… answer. We cannot demand to be heard if we do not do it first. Give the example. We are not listening if we are giving opinions on every word they are saying or responding to their opinions with our objections. There is such a thing as active listening, which is just simply asking questions that lead us to understand the others point of view

We must communicate WHOLY with our body language as well. We cannot communicate a listening attitude if we are not looking at their faces or are busy doing something else. Individualized attention is essential. Express truly with your body that you are listening attentively, asking questions to clarify etc. “Sometimes they cannot hear our words amidst the yelling of our actions”. Open arms, facial expressions, proper standing and/or sitting are all part of it. Do not react to their body language either, let it be a guide to the response of your words. Physical contact is important, sometimes we communicate without words with our contact, but do so with respect, .for example: holding a hand or hands, the arm and or the arm over the shoulder in an almost embrace . The eyes are usually the best communicator. Don’t  manipulate not even with the eyes trying to attract pity, or influence the outcome for it becomes obvious even if you don’t think so.

Treat them like growing human persons. Even if it is a 9 year old child they appreciate to be lifted up to your age level. Then they feel that you are treating them special actually all the way around is offensive and patronizing ie coming “down” to their level . That is definitely repulsive

There is no love if there is no respect. You want them to respect you, then respect their individuality. Remember that we are all created to the image and likeness of God. He is the source of our right to be respected.  He is Love. Thus love and respect always go hand in hand. Respect and love are a two way street. Remember also that whenever you receive anyone in your home you are receiving Christ. Would you treat Christ in that way? Yes, I know Christ would not do those things they are doing, (from your stand point) but that is not up to you to decide on.

Don’t prejudge or discriminate. Expose the facts as you see them, when it is your turn to speak. Be frank and clear in the process for example: this is the way I hear what you are saying… Am I correct?… Ask often if you are making yourself clear and understood, and even ask their version of your point of view when you reach to it. In this case listen carefully until the end without reacting. Then express what it seems according to your logic, the conclusions that you have reached. Then ask for their assent as you state the facts. It could be that you are getting incomplete facts, or misinterpreting, or misrepresenting them. In the process of doing so the other person may see something of their statement and behavior that is incompatible.

Then ask permission to give your advise and/or opinion in the matter. After you do so assure yourself that your message is understood. Do not be dictatorial imposing or forcefully directive, pointing out the alternatives as well as the possible consequences of their actions. Act do not react. Make a willful decision to be helpful observer

SOME DON’TS
 

 Do not say something that you are not sure or not true. No one likes to be lied to  much less be used as a toy and not taken serious. No matter how young, we always are persons and do not like or should not be treated in any other way.

Do not corner anyone in a discussion Charity demands respect for their freedom

Don’t use derogatory, statements insults or put downs

Don’t patronize or act condescending

Don’t manipulate in any way sort or form

Their opinions: In the process of writing this article I asked some of the young people to tell me what they see in our relationship that makes them feel as they do. In fact it is not as I see but  as they see it that really counts.

You gain my trust and confidence by the way you treat me. Just to know that from you I will receive advice that is true and proven .

I know you will give me counsel without judging me, only my actions

You have gained the merit of being a specialist on the subject by being right so many times in your advice …and when you say that I should not do it and do it the consequences you predicted happen

However you never said I told you so

Your advices are clear sincere and full of common sense. At times it is not what we want to hear but you let us know ahead of time that we do not want to hear it and that is the way you see it

The fact that I can count on you at any time and will not be judged and you will listen to me and give me advice

I welcome your feedback on the matter  for I am always learning and love to share.

 You can e-mail Tony at TFComServ@Yahoo.com.